Gardening stories

Pumpkin Pie

Many years ago there was an allotmenteer on these allotments. He was like most allotment holders - he turned his soil, manured it, tended his crops, and enjoyed eating his fresh produce. One day he was reading a gardening book which described how to prepare soil for the best possible vegetables; double-dig, put in plenty of well-rotted manure, leave the clods for the frost to break them down in the winter, and to make up raised beds. He took all this to heart and made so many trips to the farm for manure that he wore such a groove. His wheel-barrow, with a slight push, made its way on its own all the way to the farm. His soil became so rich that it bought a time-share in Majorca, and went there for the winter to get away from the cold. In the spring, when deciding what to grow, he thought that he would grow some pumpkin for pumpkin pie and halloween masks. Little did he know. The summer was fine and the pumpkins grew well in the rich soil. He fed and watered and the pumpkins flourished. One grew larger than the others, and continued to expand at an alarming rate. He stopped feeding it, but it made no difference. It grew over most of his plot, and caused written complaints to the council about loss of light to the houses nearby. The local helicopter couldn't land because its pilot could not see over the top of it, and that is why Roland Bardsley's headquarters are now in Dukinfield. Word got around and he was visited by the newspaper reporters who wanted to talk to him, and take pictures of his pumpkin. He would have had a visit from the TV, but this was before the days of TV, and so he was not interviewed by Stuart Hall or Elton Welsby. He did not know how lucky he was. The pumpkin grew so big that he cut a door and window in it, and used it as his shed. When it grew even more he put in a staircase, and had a bedroom upstairs for when he was tired. Finally it stopped growing- by this time the man had a three bed roomed detached pumpkin with central heating and double-glazing. Because of its size the council decided that he must pay Council Tax, but the man did not think that this was fair as it did not have running water or a toilet. So he cut the pumpkin up into pieces, and everybody had a share to make into pies. The soil was so disgusted that it went to Majorca and never came back.

The moral to this story is that big is not always best, but you can sometimes live in it.

If you want to grow pumpkins please make sure that you get planning permission from our letting officer, John Irwin.

Dirty Plastic Doll


I always had the newest tools on the allotment; I wasn't rich I was just in love. Her name was Ellie and she stood behind the counter of her father's hardware shop. She'd tell me about new gardening tools in the shop and, like a lovesick puppy, I'd buy them all. The newsagent would pay me for delivering the papers and I'd hand over my money to the soft and tender hands of Ellie. You could say that my wages were shovels, weed-killer, slug-killer and rakes, but at least I saw Ellie's smile each time her till rang.

It was Pa's plot really, but the doctor had warned him not to work on the plot since his heart heard my mother's calls from heaven. Pa said to me that 'his heart wanted to go to her, but he had to stay behind to take care of me'. That was my reason for working on the plot; my determination to make the plot work was to prove to him that, at sixteen years old, I was ready to stand-up and be counted as a man. I wanted to prove to him that I'd be alright, so he'd go and be with Mum. But how much more proof did my stubborn old man need? I was already bringing in the money to the house; up at the crack of dawn delivering newspapers, helping my uncle on his milk-round and working the day in the factory. On my way home, smelling like a posh woman's bathroom, I'd stop by the allotment and pull some weeds to clear my mind and my nostrils. The proper maintenance work was at the weekend. Pa would sit in the shed with the door wide open, barking his orders and telling me where the next slug attack would be.

Pa's plot was in between the plots' of Father Breathnel and old Ernie Carlson. The Father comes here most days to grow his excellent radishes and write his sermons. He says that writing on the allotment makes his sermons more 'down to earth'. Pa always laughs at that, maybe when I understand why it makes him laugh I will too. Father Breathnel also has Wednesday evening discussions at the allotment, sitting under the branches of the apple tree, he'd start us discussing topics from the Bible. I love these discussions, we all get in a heated debate and at the end I watch everyone dig their plots or pull weeds with such vigour! I'd often wonder whose faces they were seeing when they rammed their spade into the earth, or whose hair they're pulling.

Old Ernie wasn't such a nice person as the Father and why he said he treated me like a nephew I'd no idea, but Pa says it's not polite to ask what he means.

"While Ernie's talking, just do what I do", Pa knew so much good advice. "Nod your head when he says 'do you agree?' Shake your head when he says 'don't you think?' Say 'mornin' when you first see him and 'evenin' when he leaves." Usually I'd just be polite when Ernie said anything and he'd said many things, talked more than Father Breathnel when he'd a bee in his bonnet. The bees would buzz about the kids that played on the allotment, like when Ted Sutclife brought his eight-year-old daughter Allison with him. A few months ago he even tried to have them evicted from the allotment and all the fuss started on a Wednesday evening, when Father Breathnel said,

"Do unto others as you would have done to you!" That started the ball rollin
alright! Ernie was up like a shot and said out aloud.

"If my plot was like Ted's, I would expect you all to evict me!"

Ted took a swing for Ernie, but Pa caught it in the chest and collapsed. Everyone fussed around Pa and I heard Ernie say to Ted 'if you go down for murder you'll lose your plot. Can't take care of it in prison, not that you take care of it anyway.' That made me mad, Pa was hurt and Ernie just continued his argument.

Pa was alright though, in fact he didn't take a hit to his chest, he just lost his balance when he lent backwards to dodge the punch. As soon as Ted knew Pa was alright he went back to his shed and opened up a bottle. That's what Ted did when he was angry, take a few sips of whiskey. I asked Father Breathnel why Ted was so angry, that's when I found out Ernie had a friend in the council and had been pestering him about Ted's messy plot. This was another one of those times when I was polite, I didn't understand why Ernie would do such a thing! Ted used the allotment as his sanctuary, must of us did. Our sheds were our own personal space far away from our troubles.

After talking to the Father I went over to see Allison, she was always a quiet girl, the Sutclife family had their problems. It was a small town we lived in and everyone knew about everyone's difficulties. Uncle Phil, who ran the off-licence, started lowering the price of whiskey when Albert told him Ted had lost his job. That may seem cruel, but Ted drunk to calm his anger and, after a few weeks, he always got his act together. So when Ted went into the off-licence that day, there was a whiskey sale. Before the end of the week everyone knew that Ted was having a hard time, even Ernie, so getting the council involved at that time was really evil. Threatening to take away Ted's sanctuary wasn't going to help him, it was just going to lower the cost of whiskey more. The rest of us who shopped at Uncle Phil's would pay a few pennies more for our beer, to cover the cost of Ted's whiskey sale. God forgive me for saying this, but I hope that really annoyed Ernie!

"Your Dad busy?" I whispered to Allison, who just nodded. I smiled, dropped my short shiny spade at her feet and reached for her plastic bucket to fetch some water. Allison smiled when she saw where I was going and started to dig a hole.

"Cooking mud pies for Compie", I heard her whisper. Compie was an old dirty plastic doll's head that Allison had found when she was playing 'poke the smelly monster' on the compost heap. She was poking the compost when she came across some jet-black strands of hair. She screamed, only once and quietly said that there was a dead person buried in the peat. I hoped it was Ernie, but when Ted pulled out a doll's head, can you imagine my disappointment? Allison took the doll's head from her father, told it off for giving her such a scare and they'd been friends ever since. Allison didn't have many toys, not real girls' toys, so Compie was much loved.

By the time Allison had dug a hole, I had filled her plastic bucket with some water. I poured the water in the hole, Allison started mixing in the soil and Compie watched us from her seat on the windowsill of Ted's shed. I looked around Ted's plot, it was going to take a small miracle to turn it from Allison's playground to a plot on an allotment.

"Allison," I whispered, not thinking of what I was getting myself into, "let's make an enchanted garden for Compie." The smile on Allison's face was nothing like I'd ever seen, it was as if I'd told her that her dad would never drink again. "It'll be hard work, but Compie will be like a Princess."

Ernie stomped down the grassy path to the door of Ted's shed.

"I've phoned my friend at the council and he told me that they'll be coming tomorrow to look at the state of your plot." Ernie had a grin on his face from ear to ear, but from inside the shed we heard Ted snoring. Ernie thought for a moment, I suppose he was thinking about waking Ted, but he turned around saying,

"Even better, it'll be a nice surprise for him." Ernie looked at me and then Allison and began to walk towards us shaking his head. "Don't you go telling your father what I just said, it's going to be a surprise." Allison nodded. "Steven, I can trust you can't I?" I nodded. When Ernie turned away his first step dropped down into our mud pie. Allison started to giggle, but I went to help Ernie up. In my mind I was cursing myself, but 'do unto others as you would have done to you'.

Allison stared at me.

"Don't worry", I whispered as soon as Ernie was out of earshot, "we'll fix him." It didn't take me long to forget 'do unto others'.

I told Allison to start digging holes all over her dad's plot, small or large, it didn't matter, they just had to be round. I ran to the newsagent to get my wages; my money to do with as I wanted. I took my money to see Ellie who was helping her father to close up for the night.

"Hold up, here comes trouble." I heard her father say. I smiled, which made Ellie smile. "I'll leave you two lovebirds for a while, but don't forget your chores, my girl."

"Before you go, Sir, I need some potted flowers. Ernie wants to evict Ted from the allotment, he's called the council to take a look at his plot. So I'm going to make an enchanted garden for Compie."

"Then you're going to want the best flowers I have, come this way my boy!"

"But, I've only got this much money." I showed Ellie's father my wages and he mentally counted the coppers I had in my hand.

"Ellie, ring his money through the till and make a list of all the flowers he buys under the heading, 'payback'."

It didn't take me long to realise it wasn't me who would be 'paying back' the money, it was Ellie's father who was helping to payback Ernie! I kept going for the reasonable looking potted flowers to put into the wheelbarrow Ellie's father loaned me. When he saw the ones I had picked, he put them back, picked better ones and ranted on about seeing Ernie's face when he got his 'payback'.

When the last one was picked I asked about a gnome; an enchanted garden needed a gnome and Ellie picked one she thought Allison would like. With a full barrow, brimming over with blooming flowers, a fishing gnome for Allison and a peck on the cheek from Ellie, I went back to the allotment. Old mother Doris stopped me on the way back and asked if the flowers were for her. As soon as I told her about Ernie's scheme against Ted, she laughed and offered to help. I wondered if there was anyone in the village who liked Ernie. Oh yes, I remembered, his friend on the council.

When I got back to the allotment, Allison and her father had already gone, but she had left Compie on the windowsill of her father's shed to watch over me. I waved my father goodnight before I started work and he mentioned that Ted had spoken to Allison about the holes she had dug. I felt sorry for her and prayed that she'd be alright. I took the flowers one by one from the barrow, hit them hard on the bottoms, to remove the plastic pot and put them in the holes. I was still angry with Ernie for not being concerned when Pa fell over. I wanted to do something mean, but kept remembering 'do until others'. I suppose a couple of slugs on prize cabbages wouldn't be too bad, would it? I kept thinking about the slugs all night, slugs dancing on cabbages, slugs eating cabbages, slugs eating Ernie and Ernie eating me! But the thought of seeing Ernie's face when the council saw my enchanted garden kept me going and smiling.

When I arrived at the allotment that evening, all the villagers where there. They lined the fences all staring at Ernie's disbelief at Allison playing 'fish for worms' on what the council members called the beautifully decorated, but a little impractical plot. Ted was scratching his head when each one of the council members shook his hand. As I walked past Ellie she smiled at me and he father was laughing saying, 'well done, my boy.' I'm sure if I had asked to marry his daughter there and then he would've said 'yes'. Ernie stomped around and, at one point, I thought the constable was going to escort him off the allotment for being unruly. When the council members finally left, Ernie's friend commiserated him on the bad luck he had with the slugs this year and patted me on the back saying 'Ted had worked a small miracle growing a houseplant on his plot'. I guessed he found out I had put the flowers there via the 'old mother Doris' grapevine. I guess he didn't mention it to Ted because he, like the rest of us, wasn't really Ernie's friend!

Allison came up to me and asked where Compie was. I pointed at a flower and told her that I had bought some magical peat, which could make anything grow. When Allison uncovered Compie she shouted out her name came running back and hugged me. Whilst I was putting the flowers in, I had come across a dirty plastic body.

"Compie grew a body!" Allison sang skipping around her dad's plot, the enchanted garden. For the love of Ellie, I always had the newest tools on the allotment, but there wasn't a tool as precious as the dirty plastic doll.

If you have any other good allotmenting stories please send them in by e-mailing rfiirwin@hotmail.com with 'stories' as your subject line. Thank you.